5 Things Learned in 5 Years of Marriage

The end of August marked five years of marriage! On our anniversary, we were at an overnight retreat with students (collegiate ministry life, am I right?). In the past five years, marriage has been both better and harder than we imagined. Below are five things we’ve learned in the last five years as husband and wife!

Side note: Aging and marriage are weird. Look at this picture from our wedding vs. pictures we just took to celebrate our 5^th anniversary (Via the wonderful Dacia Adams photography)!

You Both Change and Grow (And That’s A Good Thing)

When we first got married, Cully and I were overall pretty similar. We shared the same Myers-Briggs type (Whaddup, ENFP?), had similar preferences, and valued many of the same traits. As we’ve both gotten older, certain aspects of our personalities have developed and solidified, and at times, this has been in different directions. I’ve heard it said that your 20’s are for trying everything and figuring out what your strengths and weaknesses are (and adapting from then on). We’ve begun to recognize that we’ve both changed in these last few years.

For instance, my love languages have shifted in the last few years. I’ve begun to value Acts of Service more highly, whereas it is still a lower ranking for Cully. We both value Quality Time very highly, which is great, but in other areas, we differ. We began to notice this shift about one year into marriage. At first, it made me fearful: Were we moving too far apart? Were our similarities some of the foundation of our relationship? Now, however, the ways we have changed remind me of the beautiful truth that we grow overtime. Our differences truly are a blessing, especially when one of us can see a situation through a different lens.

You Can Be Frugal and Still Have Fun

Our first year of marriage, we lived on my preschool teacher income and Cully’s part-time jobs while he finished up school. Thankfully, we knew how to live as broke college students, and tried to just keep that up.

Looking back, we rarely did expensive things, yet we’ve had a lot of fun. There tends to be a lot of pressure to do expensive or extravagant dates, but that really didn’t make sense for us. Financially, we were still figuring out how to merge our budget, and we’re just not fancy people. In fact, I tend to enjoy free things, like going for hikes and walks or baking together over eating out at a nice restaurant.

The ability to have fun without spending much money is a huge benefit. For us, this has meant the ability to save up and travel to some cool places. By being frugal, we’ve been able to decide how to spend money on things we really want.

Colossians 3 is Really Important

When we got married, a passage from Colossians 3 was read at our wedding. We loved it then, and, five years later, it has continued to be sound advice and encouragement. Here’s what was read at our ceremony:

“Therefore, as God’s people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” -Colossians 3:12-15, NIV

Let’s break that down a bit. First, God’s people are called to a certain standard, and we’re also told something about our identity: We are holy and dearly loved. This is true of us because we are God’s people! Because of that, we are challenged to live with the words that come next: compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. This of course applies to a lot of areas beyond marriage, but is essential in marriage. I’m selfish, and often, I’d rather choose my own comfort. Yet I am called to value, love, peace, and thankfulness, which are typically not self-focused.

This passage also tells us to bear with each other and forgive when a grievance occurs. The first part is especially hard for me, because I tend to be conflict avoidant! To bear with someone in the midst of a conflict is not an easy thing for me to do, but I have been called to this. I don’t do it perfectly, but by God’s grace and patience, I am growing in it. Bearing with someone in a conflict is much messier than pretending it doesn’t exist.

Lastly (although there’s much more goodness in this passage that could be drawn out), Paul tells us to “put on” love. This is interesting phrasing, because it implies action. In all relationships, we must choose love, rather than opposition or prioritizing our own desires. This isn’t easy! The default of our hearts tends to be the opposite of putting others before ourselves, but that’s what relationships, and marriage, are all about. The “peace of Christ” ought to rule in our hearts in such a way that peace and unity are results. I don’t think this means ignoring our opinions to find unity, but putting on love in such a way as to seek peace within conflict. Cully and I don’t do this perfectly, but we are in it together.

We Can’t Keep Each Other Happy

Growing up, culture informs us that finding your “other half” is pivotal and life-changing. In some ways, that’s true. However, that sets a really unhealthy expectation on the other person. No matter what I do, I can’t keep Cully completely happy, and I shouldn’t need to. His satisfaction and worth can’t be found in me. Even on my best days, I cannot be (and shouldn’t be) responsible for my husband’s happiness. That pressure is insane!

If you go into a relationships with that mindset, you’d likely end up feeling disappointed and frustrated with yourself. We have seen firsthand that only God, not the other person, can satisfy our needs. The other person can be a blessing in this way for sure, but we are not perfect and simply cannot expect ourselves to keep each other happy.

We read a book years ago called Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. The tagline of the book is “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than happy?”

What a challenging concept.

Marriage, although awesome, is not about my happiness! God is using our marriage to challenge me, refine me, and help me to rely on Him. Marriage in itself cannot keep you happy, and it shouldn’t need to.

If you’re interested in learning more about Sacred Marriage, click the picture!

If you happen to make a purchase through that link, I will receive small compensation at no cost to you.

Marriage is a Ministry

I used to think marriage was strictly for the enjoyment of the two individuals directly involved. My perspective on this began to shift while we were engaged and doing pre-marital counseling. Side note: pre-marital counseling is awesome. You can read more about our experience and questions we worked through here: http://gallowaymusings.com/50-questions-for-engaged-couples/.

Early on in our marriage, we moved to a new town and began working full-time in collegiate ministry. We are both passionate about ministry as a lifestyle, not an 8-5pm work day. It has been fun and surprising to see our marriage become a ministry in itself. By being honest with our students and letting them directly into our life, our hope is that they would come away with a realistic picture of marriage: One that is not perfect, but is held together by the grace of God. We make mistakes and are selfish, but we also apologize and forgive. Letting others see that can be scary, but it is good.

As our marriage continues into year six and beyond, my hope and prayer is for continued growth, love, and refinement. Cheers to five years!